Have you ever had a Bi Panic? I have! It only happened once. To be honest, it was a terrifying and confusing time.
Have you watched ‘The Boldtype’? I have and I love everything about it. So much so that I have watched the whole series a couple of times. It was the first time I watched it that I had a Bi Panic. Guess who caused it! It was Kat Edison!! Now when I think about it I just laugh but it was so serious at the time it stressed me.
Within the first few episodes, I felt really drawn to her. I liked everything about her and not like how you are just fond of someone. I’d randomly think of her or like see her in my head. I didn’t think much of it at first. Then Adina was introduced to the series and I wasn’t sure anymore. Adding Adina made Kat gay so now I wasn’t sure if I liked her liked her or just liked her.
I believe in feeling your feelings when they happen and not just ignoring them so I decided to go online and search for her and see if I liked her as a person. It wasn’t the same on her Instagram. I didn’t feel anything and I wasn’t drawn to her. So now having established that it wasn’t Aisha Dee the person but Kat Edison the character was a step closer to understanding what was happening, or so I thought!
I then decided to look back at the different scenarios in my life to try to shed some light on what was currently happening. Growing up, I didn’t even know people could be homosexual. It was in high school that I first saw girls love each other. It was all very foreign to me. Every time a girl approached me or rather made moves on me, I was never interested. Not even excited. It always felt like, ‘Nah! Not how I roll’ The first time was still in high school and wueh! This girl actually went to the principal to say she likes me. I thank God I was a good girl (I think I still am) because the deputy principal called me to confirm and listened to me.
While all this was happening, I remember asking myself, ‘Babygirl, if we soul search and find out that we actually like her and girls in general, are we willing to explore?’ For me, the answer was always ‘No!’
(If you have read this post, then you understand that your sexual identity is a choice you make. It may be influenced by different things within or out of your control but ultimately, it is your choice!)
I eventually figured it out! I would wear everything she wore! Ok, maybe 99% of everything she wears on the show. Everything about her hair (thickness, length, texture) is goals. Her job was sort of my dream. She gets to work for and with women and girls, she does social media, is absolutely unafraid of fighting patriarchy and really high achieving. That was probably what was confusing me. Do I still feel the same when I watch her? Not really! I still am fond of her, but that’s pretty much all there is to it.
When I look back now, I am glad I had this experience when I did. Now when I tell a girl that I am not interested I know for sure that I am not. When I feel drawn to girls and generally all people, it is always because of either their clothes, hair, the things they do or how they think!
That’s it from me this week.
Remember to like, share, comment and subscribe to my blog if you haven’t already.
See you again on Friday at 10.00 a.m. EAT
//Till next time✌🏽//
Comments