Let me tell you a little about my late aunt. She was another mother; loving, caring, welcoming and invested in us.
She introduced my sisters and me to DJ Afro movies. I thought they were silly at first but liked them eventually. She had so many CDs, so we watched them on DVD long before we discovered they were available on TV! She loved the movies so much that she’d buy new CDs every now and then. Before I noticed it, I was looking forward to the next movie. My favourite was Bollywood (best believe I’d stand up to dance when there was a music video somewhere in the movie.)
She stayed up with me on nights I had a lot of homework and even wrote my social studies notes (honestly at that point I was copying the textbook because we had insane deadlines at school.) I think I still have the notes to date!
She even bought me my first bra!! I hadn’t thought of getting one until she gave it to me. It was so tinyyy!! I still have it to date. (By now you know I hold on to things!)
My aunt was very free with us and we, in turn, got comfortable around her. I remember I had a lot of boy talk and sex talk with her. It was a little weird but very necessary. And much easier than it coming directly from my mum. I do feel that we had very few years together but those years were incredible.
When I lost my aunt, I learnt that the process of grief is very personal.
I hadn’t experienced anything like that. Everyone at home was broken and broken shows differently, I didn’t know that then! My heart was aching, I was devastated inside but it didn’t show on the outside. Not like how we expect it to! During this time, I hadn’t been able to cry for a couple of years! When everyone was tearing up, my eyes were as dry as could be. Did I feel the pain? Yes, I did. But I still couldn’t cry. At some point, I started to question myself. ‘What is wrong with me? Don’t I feel the pain? Am I a heartless being?’ This wasn’t happening for the first time!
When we lost a classmate in high school, someone that I had been friends with and in the same class with for nearly all of high school, I couldn’t cry. I’d feel so guilty and try to stare at random places to get my tears to roll down but it never happened. When my eyes got wet, the tears weren’t enough to roll down my cheeks. I knew I felt the pain and loss, but crying was not how I relieved the pain!
So how did I do it? I honestly don’t know. I do remember intentionally avoiding things that reminded me of her (which was really hard because we lived together!) I couldn’t watch DJ Afro movies for a long while mainly because they reminded me of her but also because my mum said they would affect our English and Swahili! (For some reason you unknowingly start to imitate him in your normal conversations.)
A few lessons I learnt;
Grieving is different for everybody. Some cry every day, others shut down or block the rest of the world and others would appear unbothered but that is not to mean they don’t feel the pain! We all express / deal with pain or loss differently. There are more universal ways, like crying and being sad, but these do not apply to everyone.
To find peace is not to forget our loved ones who we lost, it is to learn to live without them and celebrate the moments we had with them, however long that may take. I myself found peace. I think part of me still holds on to that tiny bra just to remember her! And now I think of her with fondness.
When they say time heals, they don’t lie! What they don’t say is ‘time’ could be 3 months, a year, 5 years or even more. Either way, you will be in a better place with time.
Commentaires